HCA Marjorie to be Launched as New Clinical Evidence Base.

A North West England healthcare organisation have today announced that they will be launching Marjorie Crabsticks, Senior Healthcare Assistant, as their brand new clinical evidence base. 

Trust Chief Executive, Benjamin Buttslap, told Nurse Station that “It’s a great leap forward for the organisation. We’ve spent the last thirty years teaching Mrs Crabsticks everything she knows, now it’s time to put it to good use.”

 

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We spoke to Marjorie during her morning fag break near the bins. She said ” it’s about bloody time. You can shove your fancy universities. All you need is the university of life.” Marjorie is also known for efficiency. Recently she was heard encouraging other members of staff to use “one towel per bay”.

We pressed Marjorie on further improvements that she would like to see take place, based on her experience. She said “Handover innit, what a waste of time! Most of the time is spent talking crap about what someone was wearing on the last night out or the next night out. Oh my god, that reminds me! You should have seen what Trace was wearing on Friday night. It was a squeezed on sequin number. Honestly, she looked like a big shiny fish! Bless her she’s lovely.”

 

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The other thing that Marjorie consistently rants about is the NHS Agenda for Change. “They tried to get me on it, but I was having none of it. In my mind, blokes is blokes and women is women. All that stuff should be left at home if you’re into it.” At this point we tried to explain to Marjorie that it was related to pay structure changes and not gender change, but this fell on deaf ears.”Right so you get different pay if you’re into all that! No, not me. keep it to yourself”. We decided not to press the matter further. 

Following Marjorie around the ward that morning was quite an experience. at one point she blasted at one of the student nurses “Wash your hands when you get home, not on my time, blagger!” Although controversial, this approach has consistently seen all patient washes complete before 09:00, which is a Trust record, although a contested one. According to Marjorie ” Ward 5 reckon they got their washes done by 08:45 one morning, but their patients are like Olympians, not a double in sight, blaggers!” 

The Trust are encouraging all staff to fully utilise this resource by bleeping 9999 and starting the message with “Hey Marjorie!” A phrase inspired my Marjorie’s instance that “You don’t need that goodle on that interwebs, just ask me, blaggers!”