Bed Blockers to be Cared For in Furniture Shop

A London Acute Healthcare Trust has announced that patients who are medically fit for discharge, or at least not as sick as the others on the ward, will be cared for in a large well known furniture shop.

According to James Greasecrease, the trusts head of patient lifestyle and well being experience, patients will enjoy the “latest in accommodation design and comfort”. This is the latest of similar initiatives by trusts around the UK who simply weren’t expecting to look after people for so long.

Patients will be moved to their new accommodation once the shop has closed. Those who “wish” to stay more than one night will have to continually walk clockwise around the store during opening hours and may take up their bed spaces again once the shop closes. Relatives will be allowed to bring in food for those who do not like meatballs or hot dogs.

We spoke to former banker, and now head of continuing efficiency at the trust, Melanie Pursebulge who told us “Basically, phwah phwah, these people need to go somewhere and this place was empty during the night, phwah phwah. It’s easy to complicate such matters with ethics and “what patients want” but the reality of the matter is targets, targets, targets,”

Patient groups have described the move as “outrageous” and “outright disgraceful”. James Tokenvoice, chairman of the London Patients for Parity group said “This is another example of patients being treated as second class citizens without a voice. Can you imagine dragging a relative to one of these stores against their will at a time when they should be resting or recovering? No, I bet you can’t.”

Head of Community Engagement at the furniture shop, Viggo shappinkya, told Nurse Station that he was “Glad we could provide this vital service to the community. We’ve actually been housing patients for years in other parts of the country. They just wonder around following the arrows. You wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from the public.”

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