NMC to Crowd Fund for New Pitch Forks & Torches

The Numptees & Meddlers Council (NMC) have started a campaign to raise funds for new pitch forks and torches. 

Nurse Station has learned that the NMC have begun a crowd funding campaign to raise funds to purchase replacement pitch forks and torches. The excessive demand placed on the current stock of witch hunting tools has resulted in considerable wear and tear.

Chief Witch Hunter, Margaret Lynchmob, told Nurse Station that “We literally can’t go on using the equipment we have at the moment. Some of the pitch forks are so bent and blunt that we can only really use them to beat our targets with, instead of being able to impale them on the end. It simply isn’t efficient. As for the torches, getting a really good intimidating flame burning is becoming increasingly challenging.”.

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Given the huge sum of money raised by the NMC through registration fees, some have questioned why they would need to start such a campaign. We spoke to the Chief Bean Counter at the NMC, Mr Peter Sownpockets, who explained that “It was none of anyone’s bloody business where the registration fee money went and we will continue to produce ambiguous annual reports in order to justify our existence.”.

Head of Bonfires, David Kilemhall, explained that registration fees barely covered the running costs of the organisation. He added “… don’t you know how much London Offices cost these days? Next you’ll be telling us to base ourselves regionally so that we have a national presence in the places where we are needed. No chance!”.

In 2018 the NMC has a strategic objective to catch more witches than ever. However, some have questioned the reactive nature of the NMC’s work, often wondering why a greater amount of resource isn’t spent in preventing witchery in the first place.

Accused witch, and now practising good person, Petra Bonce, told Nurse Station that she was hunted three times before the NMC stopped pursuing her. “I literally couldn’t understand it. Basically someone said I was a witch and the NMC took that as gospel. Their investigation was basically an interrogation and they though they needed very little evidence before they could convict me.”. Petra was cleared of all “charges” when she passed the sleep deprivation trial, during which an accused witch is deprived of sleep for forty hours. She told us how she survived the trial. “I work nights and have kids, this is just normal for me.”

The campaign will run for six months and all funds, well most of them… probably some of them, will go toward equipment to assist in the efficient hunting of witches.

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