Healthcare Support Worker Admits She was Trained by Russians and is Intent on World Domination.
Healthcare Support Worker Norma Sweatband has today admitted that she was trained by the Russian KGB and has plans to take over the world.
She told reporters “I basically run this place, so I reckon the world would’t be much of a step up”. Rumours that Norma, or “Stormin’ Norma” had been trained by Russian special forces agents were also confirmed when she told us that “I went there on holiday in 1990 and the place was in a right old state. I thought “I’m not having this!” and decided to sort the place out.”.
It later transpired that Norma was arrested when a fight broke out in a Russian hotel between Norma and the housekeeping staff. She told Nurse Station about the incident. “Honestly, this girl couldn’t have been older than sixteen and she didn’t have a clue how to make a bed. I tried to show her how to do proper hospital corners, but she wasn’t having any of it. When I went to see what state all the other rooms were in people got themselves in a right old twist. One guest was completely naked and his wife was not too happy that I was in their room. It was nearly ten o’clock for goodness sake, why wasn’t he up and dressed. I told them that I’d been on the wards for twenty years and I’d seen it all before, but that didn’t seem to help. Anyway, things got a bit tense and the Russian police had to save them all by taking me to the police station.”
Norma then spent the next three years in Russian prison. However, she was released forty three times but refused to leave. She said “I wasn’t leaving until the job was done. The toilets in there were a right old state and they didn’t even know how to discipline the prisoners. I showed them I did.”
Later, Norma, now know by her Russian friends as Burya, the Russian word for storm, would find herself in Moscow at the Kremlin with the Russian Prime Minister. “He told me that I was such a committed person and that they could use someone like me in their team. I said “You’re not wrong mate, these floors look like they haven’t been cleaned since you lot moved in.” After that I was trained as a special agent.”
Norma now storms the wards of an older persons medicine department in London. She has pretty strong views on the staff and patients there. “Most of them don’t know what they’re doing. If it wasn’t for me and Jane, the place would go to the dogs They tell you that they know it all cos they’ve been to university. They want to try the university of life, that’s where the real learning is done. Don’t get me started on the patients either. Most of them aint even sick. In my day you’d have to have a leg hanging off before you got to see a doctor. Bloody snowflakes.”
When we left Norma the ward was just welcoming a new intake of doctors. She told us that she had to go as it was time for their “real induction”.
Nurse Station has learned that there are many like Norma across the healthcare sector. We simply can’t believe it.